Sigh...
| ESTHER |

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- a simple girl
with big dreams

[ I write to express
Not to impress
So before you judge me
Remember that you're only reading
What I chose to show ]


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Friday, November 06, 2009
> too exhausting.



This week has been insane. Mentally, especially.

It's tiring having to deal with extreme sides of things.

It's tiring to need to act like it doesn't matter; to smile and put on that whole nonchalant facade when I really, really care.

It's tiring to give a warm smile only to get a cold stare in return.

It's tiring to work so hard and be hopeful, but sometimes even hope don't get you anywhere.

It's tiring to pretend I don't know, when I know. When black or white lies don't matter - they're still lies anyways.

It's tiring to find out things that people do to you behind your back. People you call friends. Or loved ones. Either way it doesn't matter, damage's done.

5 days. Tired is such an understatement. I wish I can call it drama - at least you know deep down it's not so bad. But when it reflects reality... then what?

Don't try to figure out or guess what I'm going through. Or pretend to care.

At the end of the day, we all move on. I know I will. It's when I start to stop caring.





Surprising thing is... tonight, I realised I start to stop caring. Even if it's just a little bit.




*esther* [ 2:39 AM ]

Sunday, November 01, 2009
> Stripping all duties and just being me




Waking up early and having breakfasts together albeit on a Saturday morning.

Hiding under comforters watching series on a rainy night.

Recipe to a perfect weekend :)


p/s: OTH Episode 7 is just so thought-provoking.



Dan: Do you love him?

Blair: *silence*

Dan: Wow, someone loves Chuck Bass.

Blair: I don’t know... I just... I don’t understand how I got to this place.

Dan: You know the first time I told Serena I loved her, it was terrifying. I’ve never felt so exposed. But the feeling that I got when she said it back to me... it was probably the single greatest moment in my life.

Blair: But.. you broke up.

Dan: Yeah, but doesn’t mean I won't do it all over again.

Blair: If I say it, he wins. And if he wins, then I’ll just be another girl to him.

Dan: You dunno if that's true. You have to decide whats most important to you. Keeping your pride and getting nothing, or taking a risk, and maybe, maybe, having everything.


-Gossip Girl, Season 2-

* * *

Julian: You OK?

Brooke: No. I need to know that you feel the same way that I do; that you can see yourself doing this with me forever because if not... what am i doing? What.. what are we doing? Who are we?

Julian: We’re us, Brooke. You're the girl I love with all my heart and I'm the boy who’s gonna be with you forever. We don't have to rush into anything. Forever is a very long time.



Clay, to Sarah's ghost: Its not fair. We’re supposed to have more time.

Sarah: You still do. I don't want you to be alone, honey. You like her - Quinn. Why’d you sent her away?

Clay: I don't wanna lose us.

Sarah: You can't raise who we were, or what we had. No one can. We burnt so bright together. You wont lose that.

Clay: I loved you so much, Sarah.

Sarah: You were perfect with me, and you always will be. But now it's time to let go. It's ok, honey. I love you.


* * *


Oh, and I got these two emails one morning at work.

The first one was a heartfelt letter saying hi and that she misses our friendship. Reading it brought back a rush of nostalgia; and I do miss the friendship. I know I have yet to reply, but part of me procrastinated because I don't know how to tell her what is going on at the moment. I may be a very private person when it comes to certain things, but this friend was there 2 years ago when I was down in the pits. I know she'll understand, but this time, I need more time.

I hope you got my e-card. I do miss you, too. A lot.


The second one was a simple "here's a little something for you :)" with tons of pretty pictures, and it made my day. Maybe I'm easily pleased, but it's the sender that matters :)



Hey esther,

Here's a little something for you :)

Love,
Swee Ling


never give up on your dreams, baby. live it. i have faith in you. :)

 you really do. :)

 i guess this is probably for me. =P since im the worry-wart.

 =)

our theme song! haha :)
i'm going to be my baby's baby and this is my plan...

i love this quote.

so true...

i just want to be happy... and i want you to be, too. :*
*sigh* aww. :)

that's why i know, i AM rich :)

:)

life is beautiful... with you :)




*esther* [ 12:13 AM ] | 4 comments

Wednesday, October 28, 2009
> because there's still tomorrow



  • I love writing, I really do. But at this moment... damn, I'll rather be sleeping or watching my series than write these speeches for CMOs'.
  • Pay Day is my favourite day of the month! :) My reward this month shall be The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch - been wanting to read the book. (or if anyone has it, can I borrow it please? Then I can reward myself with something else!)
  • My views on things have changed so much within the past few weeks. Good or bad, I can't decide, but I know there's always a reason
  • I'm really growing to like Fleishman-Hillard. Oh, and I have a nice boss :)
  • Sometimes I wish I'm not such a curious girl. Ignorance is really bliss.
  • I'll love to try couchsurfing one day. One day. It will happen.
  • I like reading Daily Bread in the train to work - it's nice to start the day with God. :)
  • I'll like to think I'm a strong girl. I hope I still am.
  • And because you said, there's still tomorrow. And tomorrow will always be a better, stronger day.
    and because I believe.


*esther* [ 12:45 AM ] | 0 comments

Tuesday, October 20, 2009
> More to come.





An old picture,
for a day in October.
Of proud, discreet smiles
behind monitors and bounded files.

I'm waiting for that extra copy of keys
And then it's time to celebrate... :)

I'm so proud of you. :)

i wish u all the very best in life :*



*esther* [ 12:27 AM ] | 3 comments

Sunday, October 11, 2009
> Ignorance

.


I remember ushering in 2009. Happy. Optimistic. Hopeful. In love.
.
It's not like it's been a bad year; it's been exciting, exhausting, fulfilling and memorable all rolled into one. But as always, a new year is being ushered in with so much fanfare and excitement that when the pages of the calendar flip by in a blur of motions, sometimes you're left tired and jaded faster than you thought you would.
.
I'm so afraid of getting tired. Of waiting.
.
It's already scrapping the middle of October, soon it'll be November and there you go, 2009 gone by in another 60 days. Then what? Go through the whole cycle again? Then what if I'm still where I am? I hate to admit it, but I've been waiting and waiting, and on days where it seemed like I'm going somewhere, reality can be a bitch. I'm then thrust into a whole debacle of questioning myself and circumstances and... well, simply put it, it makes me sad and guilty of doubting what is sometimes the best thing in my life.
.
Feels like the more I strip off the crisp, thin layers of myself to the people I choose to show my vulnerable side to, the layers of mask I show to the world thickens. The real self obscure from the world...
.
I know I'm not making sense. Ugh.
.
Long story short, I'm letting go. Tonight, I'll let God take the wheel. I won't think so far ahead anymore. One day at a time, one moment at a time.
.
Good night, world. Have a great week ahead.




*esther* [ 11:31 PM ]

Tuesday, September 29, 2009
> little encouragements :)






"It was 40 years ago or more that I observed a friend of mine showing great affection for someone I considered unworthy of love. I thought my friend was being taken in, and I was afraid he would be disillusioned and saddened in the end.

When I expressed my concern, he replied, "When I stand before my Lord, I hope He'll say of me that I've loved too many, rather than too few." I've never forgotten his words.

Paul insists that "love believes all things" (1 Cor. 13:7). Love "believes" in people. It can see the potential in them. It believes that God can take the most unattractive and unworthy individual and turn that person into a masterpiece of beauty and grace. If love errs, it must err in the way of trustfulness and hopefulness.

Certainly, we must be aware of danger when we see it coming, and become "as wise as serpents" (Matt. 10:16). Tough love may be the best response to irresponsible and foolish people, but we can be too guarded, too wary and distrustful.

It doesn't do us any real harm to be hoodwinked and defrauded (Matt. 5:38-48). It's better to believe in someone and have your heart broken than to have no heart at all. British poet Alfred Tennyson wrote, " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I agree. "

by David Roper. "Our Daily Bread"


* * * * * * *


"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Zen Today, Mother Theresa


* * * * * * *


Sometimes we forget... prayer works.






*esther* [ 9:42 AM ] | 4 comments

Sunday, September 20, 2009
> Shredding Paper Hearts
She ran into the house and threw herself on the couch, shoulders heaving as she let the tears flow uncontrolled. Kenny stumbled in after her, his eyes stopping short when he saw her crying. "Maine, it's... it's not like that. Please, look at me..." He reached out to touch her but she whirled around suddenly.

"Ken, I trusted you. And of all people who would ever cheat on me, you would be the last person on earth I could think of. How could yo-"

"I love you. I love you, Maine."

It was the first time he said it. He looked up and held her gaze as Maine's eyes bore into his. There was a myriad of emotions swirling in her eyes, but he could read them all. Fear. Hurt. Sadness. But most importantly, he saw hope. He saw it glint in her eyes, and he tried his best to hold on to it, even if it was just a small glimmer of it. But her words that came out next did not match the hope he saw in her eyes.

"You don't know what you're saying, Kenny. When a person actually does something to hurt the person he loves, that's not love. You just know it. You can't call this love, Kenny. Hurting me just shows that you don't love me as much as you think you do." She closed her eyes, letting a tear trickle down her cheeks, and he had to fight the urge to reach out to wipe it away. To wipe the hurt away. If only she could find it in her heart to forgive him.

"Please, Maine..." He could see her biting her lips, holding the tears in. "Please don't cry, Maine. I'm sorry..." he pleaded, tears stinging his own eyes. "I wished with all my heart, Kenny, that I never opened up to you; to let you in my life. People always say, it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but if loving you hurts this much, I'd gladly let it go. I've been dreaming of the day you utter those three words to me, but I wish it'd been said differently. I wish you really did love me, with all your heart. Because you can say all you want now, but a part of your heart will never be mine... and I want all of it..."

-An excerpt from "Shredding Paper Hearts", by A.-

* * * * * * *


Proofreading a 15-year-old's short story entry is so not the thing to do in the middle of the night. Too much drama to handle. But I don't know why, albeit her simple words and sentences... something struck a chord with me. I've never been in that situation before thankfully, but I find a certain degree of truth in a 15-yo's words.

Opening up to a person is a dangerous affair. Love itself, is a dangerous affair. There's a saying that goes something like, "love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to". Don't know who came up with that, but it's so damn true.


* * * * * * * *

I wouldn't describe mission trip as an eye-opening experience because it's not my first time going for a mission trip at an Orang Asli village. But that said, I went there expecting a change of heart - not so much of the people there, but mine.

In all honesty, my enthusiasm slowly fizzled out somewhere along the way. I wanted to go for missions badly, but as the days drew nearer... something was missing. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I was parched. I was gently reminded that it's a good time to go and let God intervene.





I took a liking to this little boy the minute I saw him. You can't really tell much from this picture, but he has light brown hair and eyes, and we all thought he was of mixed parentage. Little did we know he was actually malnourished, hence the lightness in his hair and eyes :(





Simple moments :)



This is Renee, Rosanne's younger sister :) We share the same birthdays, and I really do like hanging out with her. Her passion for kids is contagious, and despite her age, she is a great leader with a humble heart. We're never close to begin with, but she's a great friend.



This was a special day to me, simply because I left work early to buka puasa with the girls. It felt good to sit around talking about the past, present and future. I remembered sitting with them at the table and thinking to myself, when it come to friends like them, quality definitely matters more than quantity.



A bit late, but still... congratulations, Cyrus and Miranda! And thanks for bringing us together on this journey. ;) At least we were your mortar boards in UniSA. :)

dîner de lumière de chandelle. moment parfait.
:)

<3







*esther* [ 1:53 AM ] | 4 comments



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