Last week, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I’d won myself a hamper of beauty products. A friend happens to be working at the place I was supposed to collect my prize so we made arrangements for a quick lunch together. We had met whilst I was doing my internship at Grey PR.

So she is now working in a media house, and me, still in PR. Catching up was a pleasure, and of course we got down to talking about what we were doing after the internship in 2007. Have we been travelling much? What were our previous jobs? Are we happy now? And ultimately, are we even considering other options now?

Which brought me to a thought that crossed my mind. I wouldn’t dare say for everyone else out there – though I have a strong inkling that it applies the same to all – but I think I will always be searching. Searching for something that one day, someday, I will cross my arms, sit back and say, this is it. I’m happy with what I’m doing now. And then I’ll smile.

But really, even I roll my eyes at such naïve thoughts my mind could conjure up sometimes.

I emailed a friend just last week sharing about my new job doing Corporate Affairs with Amway. It’s been a month (wow! Time really flies!) of me being ‘on the other side’, as I’ve always coined not being in an agency. The other side of telling the agency to write news releases and Executive Briefing Documents, to find out how many pax of media which will be attending the event, and pushing them if need be, writing some CEO’s speech and briefing them about the event – basically what I’d been doing for the past 1.5 years, and a lot more.

My first week took some getting used to. I can’t believe it, but I actually missed the hectic, crazy deadlines of an agency! Sure, I whine about it, but there’s just this remarkable sense of achievement when one can churn out a news release or an EBD in 2 hours. Or when one secures a successful media pitch to The Star? And when the editor remembers you? Or when your team wins at the Malaysia PR Awards? You’ll need to be doing PR to fully comprehend how fulfilled that feels. And that, is a great feeling.

So I missed that at first, but I knew that I had made a choice – to have time for loved ones AND the things that I would like to pursue. Amway has been so far so good, and under good leadership from my boss, I know this is a place I can grow; and I’m looking forward to this whole new learning curve.

But my point is how even when we’re at a seemingly good place, we are still searching at the back of our heads, deep in our hearts. My friend seems happy there, but she says she’s looking and is seriously considering changing jobs soon. It’s not a bad thing, but you get what I mean?

I drove home that day thinking, what if I had done things differently? What if I’d gone for a flight attendant interview, got it, and pursued it? What if I’d ended up applying as a teacher in a private school? These are two things that I’ve seriously considered and are the few things I’m very passionate about – travelling, and nurturing talents. What if I’ve not stuck with the conventional way of graduating as a major in PR and took a PR job, but did those instead?

I realised then, my life has not turned out to be how I have expected it to be. It’s true – I had wanted to join an airline as a flight attendant right after I graduate. I didn’t care whatever stereotypes of high-class waitress a flight attendant was termed, I just wanted to travel, fly, see the world, and earn the money as a stepping stone to my own business. I did NOT want to be a part of the PR industry. I had a timeline as to which year I would want to have my own car, my own house, and to start a family, and a business. I had plans to travel to certain countries, and basically, just have plans for pretty much a lot of things. But yeah, that day driving home, I knew my life did not span out to how I’ve expected it to be.

As humans, we’ll all be constantly searching; and that’s how it goes for me. I’ll always be in search for ‘better things to come’. But that day, it drew on the fact that, yes, it has not become what I’ve expected to be, but I’ve been so blessed. In fact, things have been somewhat better than what I’ve expected it to be. Just shows how amazing God can be. I guess God knew what I was capable of, and what I’m not. He just knew.

I felt contented; happy, even. Grateful for everything, because everything has its reasons. And because contentment is fleeting – it darts away as quickly as it is felt; I doubt that the feeling will last. Because as flawed as my desires are, I will soon yearn and search harder. And simply because of this, I feel the need to pen these thoughts down now, just as it is, as a reminder to myself. If someday I should look back and wished for a different path, I’ll remember that somewhere, sometime ago, God had it all planned out for me.

And He will, always. As always.

[entry intended for my personal journal, but ended up here]

*esther* [ 11:05 PM ]

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